Worst point of life

As if things were not enough - now at a point, where I feel most useless. Out of job, no opportunity in sight - back to back dad surgery too and ongoing mom's chemotherapy.

Expectation

Nothing is more painful than expectations. The other person may have genuine reasons for their actions, but the hurt those expectations leave behind is often difficult to overcome.

While I struggle with so many things, expecting the other person to at least take a minute to check in now feels like an overexpectation.

One-way streets

During this short visit to my hometown, I learned a significant lesson: no matter how much I want to maintain certain connections, some are better left behind. I went out of my way to prioritize one person in particular, adjusting my schedule to accommodate them, but their cold response and lack of effort was a turning point. While I have always struggled to let go, I am realizing that it’s a skill I need to start learning.

Worst News

Already too much on hand and amidst the mess, getting news of mom getting detected with stomach cancer stage 4... I don't consider myself emotional person and I am in control and my senses and in position to accept the realities.. but looking at dad, thinking of how things will unfold, does make me nervous.

She is undergoing her first chemo and within 24hrs I can see her weakening, ageing and completely exhuasted. We haven't shared the reality with her as yet - not sure, how she would take it wen eventually we will need to tell her..

Quiet decision

Today I made a decision that has been slowly forming in the background for a while. I have decided to resign from my current role.

Ever since our company was acquired, the culture and the way things work have changed in ways that I find difficult to align with. I tried giving it time, telling myself that transitions take a while and that things might eventually settle into something that feels right. But over time it became clearer that the direction and the environment are not something I can comfortably continue with.

It's not easy decision, without another job in hand, but I think I need this peace of my mind to keep my health in order.

More than anything, I felt like talking this through with someone at length today. Sometimes you just need a long conversation to unpack a decision like this. But timing, as it often does, had other plans.

So for now, this post will have to hold those thoughts.

Waiting for clarity

There are phases in life when everything feels like it is standing at a crossroads, but there are no signboards.

Right now feels like that.

At home, conversations are heavy. There is visible annoyance about the one friendship that still feels steady in my life. It makes me question myself in ways I did not expect to. How do you hold on to something that gives you strength, without hurting someone else in the process?

At work, it is an endless cycle of mergers, restructuring, discussions, and uncertainty. Decisions are happening around me, but none feel like mine. There is no clear path, no defined future, just constant movement without direction. I find myself unable to take any big call, almost frozen by the weight of not knowing.

And then there is my mother’s health. Reports come in, more tests get advised, but clarity never arrives. Every update feels incomplete. It is a strange helplessness, wanting answers and getting only more waiting.

In all three spaces, the theme is the same. Confusion. Uncertainty. No clear direction.

Maybe this phase is about learning to sit with discomfort instead of solving it immediately. Maybe clarity does not always come in one big moment, but slowly, quietly.

For now, I am just trying to stay steady in the middle of it all.

Song that feel different everytime

There are a few songs that feel different every single time you hear them. Same lyrics, same tune, but somehow they meet you in whatever mood you are in. On good days, they feel hopeful. On heavy days, they feel like they understand something you can’t quite explain. It’s strange how a song can stay the same, but you keep changing around it.

Tu Hi Re from Bombay movie was one such song for me and now I have one more.. Waqt Ki Baatein by Dream Note.